So here’s my problem with the Elm: It sucks the life out of me. I almost always dreaded when Friday would come and I would feel forced to grab a copy in the library after my 8:30-9:25 nap (on the first floor behind to stacks) before running off the Smith for my 9:30. (Yes I needed a fucking nap at 8:30). How could you not grab from a giant stack of papers, and there was always the lingering hope that maybe, something interesting would be in there. And yet time and again I was let down. Junior year the only thing I looked forward to was the “Hipster Robin” comics, but by senior year the artist in question had flown the coop and left the paper vacant once more.
Let’s be honest, the paper was dull. There are only so many articles you can write about stinkbug infestations. Look, I know there’s a fucking problem, the bastards are all over my room and why yes, they do in fact “stink.” Also, why do you keep writing about fashion, as if the majority of the student population doesn’t walk around in sweatpants before 2 O’clock, because they fucking do. I can’t tell you the number of times that I only picked up the paper to make sure that the FilmSeries ad that I had sent in was there. And I only did that because it was part of my job. Otherwise I probably wouldn’t have bothered.
Why am I talking about the Elm now that I’ve graduated? Well one, I was too lazy to talk about it when I was attending school, and two, because I’m sitting in my cubical with nothing to do and I still have four hours until five, so I looked it up on the WAC website which only served to remind me of how much I hated it.
The only time the Elm was actually fun was when the LAX bros in my Sophomore year (perhaps Junior) got into trouble for hazing. And that was only fun because some lithouser kept writing in and bashing everyone calling for more severe punishment and then some LAX bros wrote back. As you can see the arguments weren’t that great because while I remember they happened, no actually conclusion was reached, the LAX bros got off easy and the lithousers were still unpopular and weird, and giant trolls.
Now, I’m sure some are thinking, if you had such a problem with the paper why we’re you part of the solution? Actually I’m sure none of you were thinking that, but I’m going to address this hypothetical question anyway. Well for starters I’m lazy as fuck and the only thing that I write for deadlines are papers. Also, I’m a huge fan of swearing, and anyone who thinks it makes me sound uneducated can go fuck themselves. Another problem is that I make fun of people a lot and I don’t care, this would probably be frowned upon if I wrote an article talking about the stupid things that LAX bros do at bars, or listing the reasons why girls are always crying at frat parties. Being scathingly mean is something that I’m sure the Elm would try to stay away from. My career as a “journalist” for the Elm would have been short lived, as I’m sure people would write letter to the editor complaining that what I was writing was untrue. But really they’re just getting defensive because it is true and I’m just exposing them in a more public forum than what everyone is saying behind their backs.
There was such a time in my Junior year when such an article did exist. It was written by an eccentric girl who liked to party and meet people and do ridiculous things that could really only happen to her and be true. She shall remain nameless, as she still attends the WAC institution, and does not know that I still fondly remember her weekly writings of shenanigans she had gotten into that week. Sadly, she was driven away from the Elm, (as I noted I would have been) for writing honestly, and about the dumbasses that couldn’t take a joke. My Senior year the Elm was void of her humor, and I was over their bland repetitive paper.
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