Here's the thing: I suck. Sometimes I get super excited about projects and run with it for a week and then I get bored. We’re all guilty of it. But to make it up to you, I know something that sucks even more than me at updating this piece of shit blog: The Library.
There are some nice, maybe even good things about our library. For starters, it’s a fantastic place to take a nap, I know because you’ll find me sleeping behind the stacks between the hours of 11:20 and 1:30 on any given Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I was in fact caught sleeping by a tour there once. This ensemble was complete with a book over my head lounging in those god-awful chairs with my feet up on another. My only witty remark, “don’t come here.”
Other than that, our library is a Hellhole. It has the heat on when it’s 80 outside and in the winter it just gives up entirely. In my head the library has a British accent and says things like, “I don’t give a fuck if this climate isn’t conducive to your study habits.”
Now, I’m not much of a people person to begin with, but the library really makes me want to become a serial killer. Why are you picking up your phone during quiet hours of exam week to talk to your grandmother who can’t fucking hear to begin with? What is wrong with you? I also once heard a girl, no joke, call the bank, give her account number, and then ask to take out $5,000 in different combinations of 50’s 20’s and 1’s. And yes, I did write down her information, obviously.
But lets more on to the pièce de résistance: the printer. Now if you’re like me, you wait until the very last second before class to sprint to the library to print out a twenty-page research paper because you never bothered to buy one in the first place. Also, it’s free, so I try to print out as many 50 page JSTOR articles as possible at least once a week to really get my money’s worth, but I digress.
Now, you’re at the library and what do you see? The ever dreaded “print to the backup printer.” And all across the world, people everywhere here the screams of “NOOOOOOOOOO” ala Anakin in Revenge of the Sith – God that screenplay was a piece of shit, I can say that because I’m a nerd and have all of those films memorized and felt personally victimized by George Lucas.
Now you have five minutes to get to class and pass this thing in on time. Well, you’re fucked. Because no computers are open because Mr. Laxbro has facebook up and somebody else (exchange student) is skyping. So by the time you’ve finally coerced someone to let you print your paper, you accidentally print to the main printer, forgetting you can only use the backup. Now you’ve just run up to the desk, looked stupid, and then run back to the printer to move the cursor to “backup.” Good job, now it’s printing. Too fucking bad everyone else has the same problem as you so the printer is spitting things out left and right and everyone is making a grab for it.
Finally you have your paper. Time to staple it! But wait, it printed in reverse so now your last page is your first and your first is your last! Now it’s going to take you five minutes to find the stapler remover because everyone else is just as dumb as you are. Now you’ve spent three minutes putting your paper in order, now the stapler is out of staples! Now you’re just really fucking late, might as well just take your time strolling to class ‘cause you’re screwed anyway.
And so ends the trials and tribulations of the backup printer. I’m not even going to try explaining the book system. The computer tells me it’s on the self, but is it? Fuck no. Good luck using that for your thesis, sucker. (Only imagine the library is once again, using a British accent, oh, and it is also a butler).
Farewell. I’d say I’ll write again soon but I’d probably be lying. In that case, I’ll write again soon!
