Unofficial Dining Hall Rules

In elementary school we are conditioned to do everything in lines.  You walk to class, lunch, music, and gym, anywhere you have to be you go in a straight file.  Goody two shoes at the front, soon to be delinquents in the back, and the undecided in the middle.  So why is it that once we get to college we forget the simple order of things?  If you think about it, it should be engrained into our minds like the Pavlov condition was to those dogs. 

Forgetting to and no longer implementing the use of lines has turned the WAC dining hall into a mosh pit of discourse and annoyance.  Well, the lack of lines is not entirely the reason; people still make them when getting food.  But everyone is too scared of getting close and maybe accidentally touching someone that it forms an impossible barrier that prevents me from getting to the fricken cereal.  So in order to help everyone be less douchey I’ve made a list of things that people should do to make the dining hall a more pleasant experience for everyone.

Rules of proper dining hall etiquette

1. When marching up the steps be sure to have your card at the ready.  No one likes the asshole that makes everyone wait while they look around in their Vera Bradley or sports bag for a card that should already have swiped through.  I have twenty minutes to eat and I don’t want to spend ten of that smelling your sweaty gym bag because you couldn’t find a white plastic card.
2. MAKE ACTUAL LINES.  And while in these lines actually FACE FORWARD.  Is it really that important to discuss how much time you spent vomiting the night before?  I can tell you I don’t want to hear it.  I also don’t want to wait another five minutes before you realize the line has moved and you’re still standing there demonstrating how you pray to the porcelain Gods.  Or more likely a poor unsuspecting shrub.  
3. Do not just stand still.  Think of the dining hall floor as oncoming traffic.  You wouldn’t just stand in the crosswalk as the cars went by, that gets you dead.  So don’t just stand there with four other people talking about how awesome that sorority party was the night before.  Because it probably wasn’t that awesome.  Most likely you had beer spilled on you at some point and your dress probably ripped in an inappropriate place but you were too drunk to realize and now you’re “That Girl.”
4. A continuation of number 3.  Don’t stand in front of the silverware.  No matter how long you stand there, the forks aren’t just going to reappear.  Move on.  I need a spoon and spoons are always there, as are knifes.  (Because who really cuts there food at this age, its like we’ve reverted to our Neanderthal state). 
5. When getting food, annunciate.  Bro number 1 behind you is talking about playing beer pong and bro number 2 is probably laughing too loud to show off to bro number 3 who is probably wondering if his professor is going to notice that he cheated off bro number 4 on that bio test that a five year old could pass.  And as always after getting food, say thank you. 
6. Do not take a bunch of cups.  You are one person, you get one cup.  If your friend(s) are too lazy to get up, they don’t get one.  Also unacceptable: taking a whole stack of them.  Do that many people like you that you can justify taking the last stack?  I’m inclined to think not.
7. As a subcategory you may take more than one cup when: it is for a small child, it   is for a visiting relative.
8. If the dining hall is between the hours of 12-1 it’s going to be very busy and there won’t be a lot of places to sit.  So move your bag off the seat next to you.  You’re not going to get cooties if you have to sit next to someone else, but you will be seen as a jerk if you don’t.  The floor isn’t gong to swallow your Patagonia (fratabronia) backpack; it’ll be there when you’re ready to leave.
9. Leaving the dining hall: There are no rules.  Lets face it, putting your plate on that conveyor belt and getting out of there is comparable to escaping the trenches.  There really is no safe way to do it.  There’s people coming at you left and right and with no clear exit in sight, I’m surprised more people don’t just sit there, curl into the fetal position and wait for their mom to find them.  So my advice: Every person for themselves.  Though if you could avoid spilling something on someone else, much obliged.
10. When it is mozzarella day, all of the above rules are completely negated.  Unless it is rule number 6.  The cup rule does not change.