My Friend Shanna

This is going to be about my friend Shanna, but I guess since no one reads this piece of shit blog, it doesn’t matter to anyway when I say “skip over this”, because it’s just for her benefit.

To preface this entry, it is important to say that before Shanna, I never had any gay friends.  I had only ever had girly girl friends, and rarely did I ever have guy friends.  You’d think that as a giant homosexual I would have surrounded myself with people with common interest, girls being the biggest one.  But this was not the case for me, most likely because I went to a tiny high school and all of the boys were actual morons.  Some of them continue to be morons, I’m sure.  Though I could not say this is the complete truth, as I have unfriended almost every single person from my high school save for possibly 14 people.  All of them happening to be girls, and one member of the faculties son, who I like to keep tabs on so I know he’s not growing up to be an asshole.

Anyway, I had only ever been friends with straight girls.  I did not intentionally set out to do this, as for a long time, it was a very lonely way to have friends.  First of all, I wasn’t exactly out in high school.  This stems from the fact that if I was, every single person (not an exaggeration) there would have been privy to this information by lunch time (I went to a tiny school).  I was not ready for that kind of exposure at the tender age of 14.  Because not only would every kid have known, but every single member of the faculty would have as well.  And that’s just a daunting thought when you a) have not informed your parents b) many members of the faculty are actually like your parents and c) many members of the faculty were (and continue to be) very judgmental.

You might ask how this pertains to Shanna, well I’m fucking getting there.  When I was 16 I set out to find a job.  This tasks was made slightly more difficult by the fact that I had school Monday – Friday and on most days I was there until 5 at night except Monday (out at 4) and Thursday (out at 3:15).  I know, it’s weird.  So I applied to work at the movies, because why the fuck not.  I had been there a couple months when this girl started working there, college age, really weird orangey red hair color, and totally gay.  I knew this because I have awesome gaydar, even my super gay boss at the time didn’t know (she has a knack for accidentally hiring lesbians unknowingly, as this continues to happen to her).

Of course, upon meeting Shanna I got over excited about the possibility of having a gay friend that I scared the shit out of her by jumping into our new delicate friendship with the hard hitting questions, namely, “How do I come out to my parents?”  This scared Shanna, as it should have.  That’s generally a question one saves for their school GSA club (which I didn’t have) or someone you’ve known longer.  But that’s just not the kind of person I am, I just straight up ask what I wanna know.  Unless those questions are about feelings for other people in which case I pretend those questions do not exist.

I thought Shanna was the Bees knees.  She was in college, was out, had a girlfriend, and was super awesome.  I finally had someone I could talk to about girls without feeling weird.  At that time in school my only friends were made up of one super Christian, (I’m pretty sure she only kept me around so she could say she had a gay friend), girls who were obsessed with boys, or girls who did not like to talk about other people like that.  My other friends who I could have talked to about these things had graduated and had left me to fend for myself.

And so for the next year until I graduated and went to college I had a big gay sister.  She would listen to me talk about “South of Nowhere” or obscure gay movies no one had heard about.  My little gay brain blossomed and I saw that there were other people out there that appreciated boobs as much as I did.  I finally had someone that I was never in any danger of getting a crush on which was awesome.  I went to college and stopped worrying about gay stuff, and I just started to be Tory, it became less about defining myself as gay and more about defining myself as nerd, student, friend.  Shanna stopped being my big gay sister and just started being my super awesome pal (companion, platonic partner?).

I have this problem where I outgrow my friends, and we lose all interest in each other.  This generally happens after four years of friendship, usually the span in which I am stuck with them, usually coinciding with school years: middle, high school, and college.  Shanna is one in only a handful that I have never outgrown, and I am confident in saying, that I will never outgrow.

Through college we didn’t text often, but enough to figure out that we were both alive and having a good time.  I once texted her that I had finally made out with some girl while I was completely hammered at a party and she texted back “was it your hand?”  This joke would have been funny if I A) hadn’t been shitfaced and B) This hadn’t been the first girl I had kissed since high school sophomore year (I wasn’t kidding when I said (actually don’t think I mentioned it) I was the only out gay person or gay person period at my school).  This joke offended my drunk minded brain so much that I refused to talk to her for two months.  No worries, we moved passed it.

I also like to drunk dial people, top of this list is usually my 30 year old friend who I like to leave messages for and Shanna, who I called drunk after my senior homecoming at school.  It was during this phone call that someone poured a drink on top of my head from the balcony over the front stoop of my dorm.  Now, any other friend might have asked if I was ok, but this is what Shanna did, “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”  This continued on for some time.

Shanna and I like almost all of the same things.  I’m going to say all because I have yet to find something we don’t both appreciate in some form or another.  Shit we get ourselves into: We both really wanted to see the Glee 3D concert film.  We decided this was two embarrassing to do when other people were around so we went to the earliest show that we could find during a weekday, pulled our hoods up, and sat in the very back row of the theatre.  This then turned into a super awkward event as a bunch of preteens and came in and sat in front of us, so then we looked like creepy pedophiles.  Upon leaving the theatre we both made a pact that we were never going to talk about the fact that we went to and saw it.  This pact held for less than 10 hours, Shanna got drunk that night and told people.  She is a horrible secret keeper.

I also went on her first date with her awesome girlfriend Stephanie.  This is less weird than is sounds since neither of them at the time knew it was a date but I did.  Ok, that’s as awkward and weird as it sounds.  And to top it off, Steph had to change in my tiny ass car, and then it started pouring, and she threw a rock at me.  It was the start of a beautiful friendship between the three of us. 

Sometimes I feel really bad that Steph has to put up with us.  I mean, Shanna and I am some point in time are going to get a set of harry potter tattoos with mine saying “I solemnly  swear that I am up to no good” and hers will say “mischief managed.”  Not a lot of girls would let you get a tattoo with some other girl, but Steph said ok.  Also Shanna and I have our own yet to be filmed show, based on Troy and Abed in the morning, only ours is called “Shay and Tor Tor in the morning.”  Steph also has to deal with us getting overly excited about fanfiction.  In fact, instead of having this be a whole blog out Shanna, I feel like it should be a giant apology to Steph.  Sorry that I come over on Friday nights and getting super hammered a lot, Shanna invites me over and I have to go.  That’s the thing, Shanna says let’s do it, and I have to.  How does getting shitfaced in Salem on a Friday night with a bunch of our friends during a Halloween weekend NOT sound like a good idea?  Well it certainly doesn’t NOT sound like a good idea, I can tell you that.

And to close out this novel, this is what we text about:

Me: What are your thoughts on a power rangers phone cover?

Shanna: You should get one obviously.  It would always be morphing time.

Things that happened to me before 9:00 a.m.

I just really needed to share how my day has started

2.       6:15 a.m. Forgot to set my alarm but I woke up anyway because my brain hates me

3.       6:45 a.m. Went downstairs to make myself lunch but stopped in the living room to look for my shoes.  I turned on the light and was shocked to find my brother sleeping on the couch.  Now this wouldn’t be so weird if the TV was still on so that I knew he had just fallen asleep watching something, but the TV was off and he was in his pajamas.  He then woke up and looked completely disoriented, more so than one usually does when waking in the morning.  He seemed to have no idea where he was and he then told me that he had taken his contacts out and definitely had fallen asleep in his room in his bed.  So he was sleep walking, which people do, but Nathaniel has never done that in his life.  I went upstairs to tell my mother because I thought this was hysterical, meanwhile I hear Nathaniel moving around downstairs.

4.       7:00 a.m. I go back downstairs to the kitchen where I see that the freezer is open, so I call to Nathaniel in the dining room (where he is on his computer) to tell him he forgot to close the freezer.  Upon further inspection I see that there is water everywhere and now realize that sometime between Nathaniel leaving his room and falling asleep on the couch he had managed to open the freezer and then pass out, leaving it open.

5.       7:00 a.m.  He tells me not to tell mom while he closes the door and then runs upstairs.  Yeah, like she’s not going to notice everything is melted when she opens the freezer to get a bagel.  My brother the genius.

6.       7:07 a.m. We realize that he obviously didn’t do it on purpose, because he was asleep, but know that my Dad will not understand that, so I attempt to start cleaning things up.

7.       7:15 a.m. I realize I am going to miss the train so I drive to Wonderland to take the blue line in.

8.       7:50 – 8:30 a.m. Everything is normal on the train

9.       8:32 a.m. Transfer to the Red Line to get to Harvard Square.  For some reason it is way more crowded than usual and I am stuck where I cannot reach anything to hold onto.  This is very bad I realize and I can’t move my legs so there’s no way I can possibly balance myself.  First minute is ok but then I am completely unstable and grab the nearest thing next to me.  This happens to be an older man and I say I’m sorry and as soon as I am stable I let go.  Only to grab hold of him again two seconds later.  It is at this point that I will definitely take someone out if I let go of him, so I do not.  He says “no problem” but he says it all proper in what I realize is a French accent.  Of course I’m clinging to an older French gentlemen, of course I am.  This is made more embarrassing by the fact that I still have five more stops to go, so thankfully enough people leave so I can grab the bar and not him, except for he does not get off the T until Harvard with me, and then he walks off with his little French wife.  

10.   9:00 a.m Should be at work by now but I stop at panera because I didn’t get to pack my lunch of eat breakfast because I was cleaning up my stupid brothers mess.

And that was my morning, just thought you should know.

Edit: Upon further investigation, turns out Nathaniel was just blackout again.  Fucking douchebag.

I'm just complaining today

Can I just take a second to talk about my day?  This isn’t going to be some personal essay or some criticism about WAC I just want to write about the fact that I have to be alive right now.  And it’s only 9:49.

One.  I woke up at 6:20 today, thirty minutes before my alarm was due to go off and then could not fall back to sleep.  Fucking sucked.  Then when I was getting ready I realized that my neck really fucking hurts.  Like, I cannot move it left or right or really look down or up at all.  So I guess I’m just stuck looking straight ahead and tackling this day “head on” as those stupid optimist like to say.  God, I really hate them.

Two.  I went to the Red Lion Smoke shop to buy a ten ticket train pass only to find out that only take cash.  Well I’m fucking sorry, I don’t carry $135 on me just for shits an giggles unless I’m making a liquor run in C-Town and I’m buying for all those stupid freshman who aren’t 21 yet.  (They’re not stupid because they’re not 21, they can’t help that, they’re stupid because they’re fucking freshman).

Three.  Train was then 35 fucking minutes late.  And I couldn’t walk back to my house and drive my car to the T station because my Dad decided to actually go to his office today which he never does, and my stupid twin brother just happened to get himself a job two days a week assistant coaching the JV team at his old high school.  And of course everyone who is always cranky on the train was of course ten times angrier today because of the substantial delays.

Four.  Tried reading on the train but since I’m jammed in an aisle and the asshole in front of me had to LEAN ON THE ENTIRE BAR I have no balance and can’t read, but then, I can’t bend my head down so I couldn’t even if I wanted to.

Five.  I’m already late, so really, what’s the point in rushing.  Went to get on the T but wasn’t enough room, so I just waited for the next one.  Only one door on that car would open and everyone and there Mom has to be on THAT ONE.  Ok, but there’s only one door so you have to get in a line.  But everyone is like. “NO I’D RATHER DIE THAN BE ORDERLY.”

Six.  I think the homeless people in Harvard Square are starting to recognize me which is awkward because now they seem to think we have some connection so that don’t mind saying “Hey” to me in the morning which is super awkward.

Seven.  Broke a piece on the water dispenser at work, walked away quickly, no one seems to have noticed.

Commuting. Makes me want to die. Or kill people, it's hard to say.

Nothing makes me feel more like a lemming that trying to get on the train in the morning.  Those are those little animals that jump off cliffs in bunches right?  Because attempting to get onto a train with these people actually makes me want to jump off into an icy abyss.  Is it just me or is everyone that takes the train in the morning a cranky asshole?  Honestly, there is not a nice looking face on there.  I’m not saying I’m the exception, god knows I’m a cranky assface until the hours between 5 p.m. – 2 a.m..  (I understand that’s very late in the day and not very many hours, but shit, it’s my life I do what I want (not really)).  But really, no one on the train is a happy person, you’d think they’d prefer to just drive themselves to work so they wouldn’t have to sit next to anyone, because that’s the biggest issue.

Look, there are a lot of people who take the train in the morning, and there are usually enough seats if you utilize the middle or “bitch” seat.  I understand no one likes it, but sometimes it has to be done.  I don’t want to stand on a train for thirty minutes at 7:25 a.m.  I just don’t, so move your fucking bag you ignorant jackass.  And stop looking pissed off when I ask to sit there, I’m not telling you to move over and take it, I’m going to, so you only have to touch one person while I have to touch two.

And another thing, guys are the fucking worst on the train.  It doesn’t matter if they’re in jeans or a professional business suits, they always sit with their legs as wide as possible.  Listen dude, you can’t fucking do that right now.  There are three people sitting on this stupid bench seat, your balls can hold off on their space for thirty minutes.  You won’t die.  

Now for the T, or the metro, subway, for people who do not live on the North Shore.  Though it’s crowded and decidedly more touching that on the train, I like it better.  Because people understand that there is going to be touch, lots of it.  Not in a weird gross way…hopefully.  Except there’s always that gross as fuck PDA couple who thinks they need to kiss and touch each other’s asses the whole time.  It sucks.  They are gross.  Not much more can be done but to stick your face further into your book and pretend to be somewhere else.

There is one game I like to play on the T that helps me pass the time on my hour and a half commute: spot the gay girls.  Then: spot how many of them will never date you.  The numbers are always the same…weird.